How Children Grieve at Different Ages

Stages of Grief for Children

Adults never want young children to have to learn about death. They want to protect children from pain and loss. But, child care professionals cannot shelter children from death. Early intervention during times of loss and grief helps keep children psychologically healthy and prevents the development of later emotional problems.

Although children cannot speak about their feelings and emotions like adults can, they still grieve. Even young infants under six-months-old grieve. For example, infants have deep relationships with their mothers and they grieve when their mothers are absent.

For infants, six-months-old to two-years-old, there is a more specific process of grieving. At this age, children are able remember and visualize their mothers and learn that they are separate individuals from their mothers. Children may protest and withdraw to the absence of their mothers. Children may become depressed and no longer seem interested in toys, food, or activities.

The loss of a mother becomes more devastating as children are able to grasp the specific difference of their relationships with various members of their family. Grief is often expressed by regression, such as clinging to others, wetting the bed, or wanting the bottle back.

Adults often fail to recognize the impact of loss on children and this can result in anxiety. With the loss of a mother, the very security of the family is disrupted and children may believe that their own survival is at stake.

Death of a parent can lead to withdrawal, irritability, and severe depression. But, there are certain factors that can influence the outcome of childhood bereavement. Such factors involve:

1. Communication between children and adults about the causes and circumstances of the death.
2. The nature of the surviving relationships in the family.
3. The support given by the family.

Children exhibit their feelings through play and fantasy. Children will share their feelings at unexpected moments and often with only a phrase or sentence. This is an opportunity to help children talk more about their feelings.

Grieving continues for many years for children. Since children do not have the strength to deal with the pain in its full intensity, a great deal of the pain may be turned inward. Their pain may be expressed in misbehavior such as: seeking attention, talking back, losing concentration and motivation, or decreasing school performance.

There are common stages that everyone experiences after the loss of a loved one. Mourners may not experience the stages in any particular order and there is no pre-determined time limit of how long someone may grieve.

Stage One: Shock and Numbness: Even when death is anticipated, the immediate feelings following death are shock, numbness, a sense of disbelief, and denial. Denial is a defense mechanism. But the denial that protects a vulnerable and shocked ego must slowly give way to the reality of loss.

Stage Two: Separation: Separation leads to a sense of emptiness, loneliness, and isolation. Emptiness is the sense of being diminished from within. Loneliness is the sense that one’s surroundings are also empty of people who matter or care. Isolation is the sense of being divided from others.

Stage Three: Disorganization: The anxiety of separation involves a process of disorganization and a fear about the future. The fear and the disorganization are caused by uncertainty, about functioning in a different role, and the changes that are necessary after the loss of a significant person.

Stage Four: Rebuilding: Integrating and rebuilding is when death becomes a reality. Although the loss is sad it is seen as a challenge and people develop new strengths.

It is wise for child care providers to encourage parents to consult with a child's pediatrician to discuss loss of a child’s loved one. The pediatrician can suggest ways to help a child and provide specific ideas about what kinds of behaviors to expect, depending on what stage of development the child is in.

Have You Ever Worked for a Parent With Cancer or a Terminal Illness?

Anticipatory Grief
By H.J. Fracaro

Anticipatory grief is when a death is expected typically due to a terminal illness or the aging process. The relative could be cared for in the home, at a hospital, or hospice.

Medical equipment can be frightening even to children (and teens and adults). When the child visits the patient make sure to explain in advance any physical changes their loved one has undergone, such as weight loss, hair loss, and the medical devices that are being used, so they aren’t shocked or scared during the visit. Invite them to help make the person comfortable, whether getting them a glass of water or reading a book aloud; contributing to care can make them feel better about the situation, but never force it.

Always support the parents wishes when answering tough questions from the children. Typically you should answer questions honestly even if the question is, “Is he going to die?”  Although it is important for the children to be able to prepare themselves and say goodbye to a loved one, as a nanny you must always respect the parents wishes even if you disagree with their choices in dealing with the terminal illness or death of the loved one.

 Even with preparedness the actual death will still be upsetting. Children may worry about their own security.  Experts recommend being honest and to explain whom they would live with in such an event and assure them they will always be taken care of. Usually what they are imagining is worse than reality. Again, it is the parents and family that should guide you in how to answer these questions. It is your role to support the family's wishes.

Many children feel loss even before the death because their family members are distracted and depressed. Make sure to keep their routine as normal as possible and make time to discuss their feelings. Have them finish sentences like:

I feel saddest when ____________.
When I am alone I______________.
Since _________ got sick my family doesn’t _______________.

This is a great way to start a dialogue about their concerns.

Welcoming outside help such as a social workers, therapists, ministers, friends and neighbors, lends extra support to the child and to the parent who may be overwhelmed with their new responsibilities. It also allows another set of eyes to make sure the child is coping when the parent may be too depressed to notice any warning signs themselves.

Children Grieving Loved Ones Killed at War

Have You Ever Worked for a Military Family?

By H.J. Fracaro

Children that lose a loved one are bound to have a difficult time coping, but when they lose a parent fighting a war in another country, it becomes even more complicated. These kids are at risk of experiencing traumatic grief, which is very much like post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). As with PTSD children may experience anxiety, heightened startle response, poor concentration, and nightmares. They often have intrusive thoughts, imagining how the person was killed or fantasizing about rescuing them. Avoiding photographs, talking about it, visiting the grave site, or watching military news is also common.

An added stressor is the media’s involvement. Stories on the news about the battle, number of casualties, and information on their parents’ memorial impede on their everyday life. They can overhear adult conversations with comments like, “He died needlessly in an unnecessary war,” which they take literally and find upsetting and confusing.

Adding to more changes during the all ready tumultuous time, children living in a military community may have to move, leave their school, and lose their military identity.

If you think you’re charge is suffering from traumatic grief, contact professional help or the National Child Traumatic Stress Network at www.nctsn.com.

What Advice Do You Have When Caring for a Child After the Death of a Family Pet?

Losing the Family Pet

By H.J. Fracaro


For many children their first experience with death is the loss of a pet. Although it is devastating for children of all ages, it does allow them to understand the process of death and grieving. They observe the deceased will not be coming back and find a way to cope.

If a pet has to be put down, it is best to allow the child to say goodbye first. Give them truthful, uncomplicated answers about the process and help them remember the positive impact the pet made on their lives. It the pet is buried, plant a tree, flowers, or a marker in the yard in tribute. If cremated place the urn on a bookshelf or mantle with a photograph or collar but make sure not to turn it into a shrine to the lost pet. It is important they feel the loss and move forward instead of replacing the pet with the shrine. This is also why you should not replace the pet immediately.

There are many helpful books for children addressing pet death. Some of the most popular are: Newberry winner Cynthia Rylant’s Cat Heaven and Dog HeavenI'll Always Love You by Hans Wilhelm, and The Tenth Good Thing About Barney by Judith Viorst. Compassion, the passage of time, and books like these can help heal a child’s broken heart.

What to Expect if There is a Death in Your Charge's Life

Children and Grief
By H.J. Fracaro

Most children have an encounter with death, whether it’s the death of a pet, grandparent, friend, or parent. Children of different ages understand death to varying degrees and express their sadness in different ways.

Babies and toddlers under age two cannot comprehend death but are upset by the change in routine and the emotions of the people around them. They may cry more often, have difficulty sleeping, throw fits, rock back and forth, or have tummy trouble due to anxiety. The best way to offer comfort is to maintain their routine, offer lots of physical contact like cuddling, and be patient and gentle with the behavior changes.

Preschool age children can understand when something is dead, however they think it is a temporary state like sleeping and can be reversed; much like the characters in the cartoons they watch. They may ask questions repeatedly such as, “When is Grandma coming back?” or “What is Grandma doing right now?” Answer these questions as simply and honestly as possible. Acting out the events surrounding the death, such as playing hospital, or crashing toy cars can also be a behavior associated with grief. Crying, withdrawing, nightmares, fighting and regression, such as baby talk, thumb sucking, or bed wetting are also common. Allow these behaviors and encourage play and fun.

Kids six- to 12-years old have a more adult concept of death. They understand the body has ceased to function and the person will not be coming back. They are also capable of thinking of the future, realizing their loved one won’t be attending their future birthdays, graduation, or wedding. They worry their angry thoughts or bad behaviors could have caused the death and are aware it could happen again. Often they worry what will happen if their caregiver were to die. Common reactions to grief include regression, denial, poor or markedly improved performance in school, aggression, being protective of loved ones, and nightmares.

Teenagers have the same reactions as the previous age group but also ponder their own mortality, hide their feelings to appear strong and can utilize spirituality to cope. They may fight, scream, argue, engage in high risk behavior, change their eating habits, and change their group of friends.

With teenagers and children of any age, include them in the rituals of grieving but do not force them to participate. Having a separate mourning ritual such as releasing balloons, lighting candles, or creating a memory book can often offer closure and comfort to the child without being overwhelming.

Above all remember to be available when they want to talk or just spend time together so they are reminded they are not alone and are loved.